The Day the Lights Almost Went Out

The title of this article sounds like a movie or a good book. I’d probably watch it or read it because of the title if I am honest. I wish it was that. A fictional story that you dive into and when it is done you walk away from. I wish it were the case. Maybe then my life wouldn’t of turned out how it did or the thousands of regrets I have wouldn’t exist. It is a shame we can not go back in time. There is so much I would fix. I would of made the most of life and made so many memories. Sadly, this isn’t so. So I push on and hope the memories I make now make up for the ones I lost back then. With today being World Suicide Prevention Day, I wanted to share my story.

WARNING – This article will discuss suicide and depression. If this topic makes you uncomfortable, please do not read any further.

When people try to get to know me I always struggle with telling them this part. I am not ashamed of it in anyway but the topic can be tough for some. Right now, I am in a good place but that was not always the case. There was a time when I wanted to end things, to turn off the lights. It is crazy to think about. How could anyone wish that upon themselves? It is a tough thing to wrap your ahead around. The answer is easy and complicated. Trying to help others understand is very hard. My own wife did not understand and it took her a couple years of being with me to fully get it but I feel sometimes she still doesn’t. She has a bubbly attitude and to even think about ending one’s life is just crazy to her.

I lost a friend at the age of 11 and it crippled me. At the time, I did not know how to handle that kind of emotional trauma and it ate away at me. Every day it would get worse and worse to the point where I eventually felt nothing. I did not feel happiness anymore but sadness, pain, anger and loneliness. Those feelings tore at me and they did it daily. Got to the point where I wondered if death had a feeling, if the lights would truly go out or would I go somewhere else. I thought about that often. People often assume those that want to end their life do not care about others or anything. It’s not that I did not care about my life or those around me and how they would feel after, I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to be at peace. To a normal person with a healthy mind, even thinking about this topic sends a mountain of confusion their way. They cannot fathom how someone could want this. The problem here is, some minds are born unhealthy, and others are made unhealthy by trauma. I fall into the trauma category.

Losing a good friend at a young age with no one to guide you through it was hard. I knew what death was, I was 11 after all. What I did not know was how much pain and sadness would overcome me. My heart got destroyed daily to the point I felt nothing. Absolute nothingness filled my heart and soul. So much pain left me emotionally unstable to the point that minor inconveniences would cripple me. I would cry uncontrollably and would have to fight to regain myself. Still happens today from time to time. I was able to hide all of this from everyone around me. I was able to fool people into thinking I was happy. Want to know something really sad? I practiced how to smile because I had forgot. I would go to the bathroom, stand in front of the mirror and practice. I cringe looking back at old photos of myself as I can see myself trying and failing. The old photos create a time-capsule of when I first started to when I truly mastered it.

As time went on a routine formed. I would wake up, sit at the edge of my bed and contemplate if the day was worth doing. I would get up, use the bathroom, and while doing so catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Seeing myself in the mirror would anger me beyond words. I hated who I saw and who I saw was a person that was broken and unfixable. The day would start and I would fake it to everyone around me. I would tell jokes, laugh hysterically as one does in funny moments and fake a smile. No one knew a thing and while everyone saw a normal person, I was dead inside. Nighttime would come and I would cry myself to sleep or I would have a nightmare that caused me to cry in my sleep. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up with tears streaming down my face. Never knew a person could do that in their sleep. Night terrors became a regular occurrence, getting 3-4 a week became the normal for me. The odd thing about that is I came to enjoy them. The rush of adrenaline that coursed through me during each encounter became a nice drug. Pretty sick I know, but then again, my mind wasn’t in the greatest of shape.

I was tired…I was tired of being tired. The kind of tired sleep can’t cure. I was tired of fighting to live, I was tired of all the emotions I felt, I was tired of all the thoughts that wouldn’t go away and the voices they created. A quite room would feel so loud. Just so tired…I needed something to take away the pain and suicide was the only thing that made sense. In those moments, the voices and thoughts all agreed, as if we all came to a consensus. It became the obvious choice. A choice I look back on and think to myself, “Fuck, I almost did it.” And the fucked up thing is I do not feel any type of way about it. It was just another day to me.

One day I had enough and decided to wait for my moment. My moment came when my family went out on a Friday evening to a fish fry. Something we did often. I told them I was not feeling well and wanted to stay back. Told them to bring me back something. I think back to this moment and wonder why I even asked if I knew I would not be there to eat it.  Maybe that was my way of selling it to them so they could leave and I could do the thing I wanted to do. I lived in the basement and the living area only had one working window. The other ones were blocked off or in different rooms. I still remember this day as if it were yesterday. It was fall so the sun fell quickly and the basement was slightly dark but had a little light from the window. I sat along the wall in the living area. The basement flooded often and when I think back sometimes, I can still smell the water from it. I sat there and I cried my eyes out. Told myself if I wanted peace, that this is what I needed to do.  That moment felt like a lifetime, time stopped for me.  I placed my pocket knife against my wrists and I pushed hard, I was so angry and pushed and pushed. This was the moment that I would be free, for a second actually felt happy.

However, I could not go through with it. I screamed at myself, begging myself to do but I couldn’t. I stared at my wrist for a long time, crying and calling myself different things. I was trying to push myself to do it. I wanted to finally be at peace, to close my eyes and never open them again. That never happened. I called myself a coward every day after that.  Everyday I hated myself for not being able to bring myself peace. I felt that I let myself down and it made all those horrible feels even worse. It was very rough afterwards. My family came home none the wiser and I ate the meal they brought back for me. Dad gave me a fist bump like he always did when he saw me, not knowing him leaving a couple hours or so earlier could’ve been the last time he saw me alive.

I eventually overcame all of this, it took 11 years to do it, but I did it. If I am honest though, I still feel dead inside sometimes. Moments that would make someone jump for joy do little to nothing for me. I do have moments of happiness but they quickly fade as my mind looks for the bad.   When I finally think I will feel that little spark of joy, life has a way of bringing me back to reality. An unexpected bill will come in, something on the car breaks or bills pile up and I have to stress for months until they go back down. I feel like I am drowning and I do not know how to keep my head above water. I am able to pay for everything and have a little over but it still feels like I am drowning. A lot of stress each month. At least that is how I felt when I wrote this but things have changed for the better and I have a life raft now. I am able to relax a bit. But those inconveniences still trigger stuff in my head and heart. Still fighting a battle I wish I had never started.

I am in a better place, I no longer wish to end my life but there are moments of darkness that creep in from time to time. I was in that place for 11 years and it did a lot of damage. I feel broken and scarred. Moments of hardship cause those feelings and thoughts to creep in and I have to fight it. I win and push them away but it is hard. However, as I said I am ok now.

I wanted to share my story because if I can do it, you can too. I went through a lot of trauma, more than anyone should go through in a lifetime so I do not think I will fully heal from it. I just hope to heal a little bit at a time and hope it fixes me slightly. I’ll take that as a win. Keep fighting, never give up. I’m tired but I’m still here. You should stay here too.

988 – Suicide Prevention Hotline. There is help if you need it. My biggest mistake was keeping it inside, please talk to someone. In addition, check on your friends. Even the ones that seem the happiest. The happiest looking can be the ones in the deepest of pains.